Adventure On The High Seas

if "adventure" means "reading a book," and also "sleeping."

September 22nd - October 1st: Caribbean Cruise!

• Day 1 - Flew to Philadelphia on a red eye flight with Cassie.
• Day 2 - Flew to San Juan, Puerto Rico. Checked in on our ship, then walked around Old San Juan for the next several hours. Searched for free WiFi, took pictures, and ate unknown foods. Re-boarded ship and attended the mandatory safety muster. Ship pulled away from the pier at 10pm.
• Day 3 - Woke up in St. Thomas and began what would become our routine for the rest of the week: hit up the gym (where we see, at most, three other people), eat lunch at the Lido Deck buffet (where we marvel at the horrifying desserts), get off the ship and find a beach (where we rent an umbrella and beach chairs and read). Our first beach was BEAUTIFUL, and was the standard by which we judged all subsequent beaches.
• Day 4 - Woke up in the middle of the ocean. This was our day at sea as the ship made its way to the southernmost port on our journey. Gym, lunch, decktop reading. Had our first Elegant Evening, where everyone was expected to fancy up for dinner. We giggled at the people taking very serious, prom-style photos in front of cheesy photo backdrops of things like columns, cruise ships, and sunsets (let's all remember that there was a spectacular sunset RIGHT OUTSIDE).
• Day 5 - Woke up in Barbados. Gym, lunch, beach. And expensive chairs. And rain. And creepy and/or annoying men trying to sell us stuff and/or chat us up, the smarmiest of whom was named "Falcon. Like the bird." Hookay. After giving it a solid two hours (because, come on! We're in Barbados!), the majority of which was spent huddled under our umbrella as the wind blew and the rain poured down, I couldn't take it anymore, so we left. Not impressed with Barbados. Sorry, Rihanna.
• Day 6 - Woke up in St. Lucia. This was the location of our one and only shore excursion, a decidedly mediocre couple hours of ziplining. Watch the first 10 minutes of this and you'll see an uncanny representation of our day. Another Elegant Evening.
• Day 7 - Woke up in St. Kitts. Gym, lunch, beach. A much better oceanside experience than the last one. In addition to a reasonably priced beach chair/umbrella combo, we were afforded some free entertainment by the local gentleman who was in charge of collecting money for the chairs. Clinton was somewhere between 30 and 60, had spectacular dreadlocks, was as ripped as it is possible to be, just BURSTING with energy... and wearing the tiniest shorts you can imagine, over the top of some baggy grey briefs. Clinton spent the entire time running back and forth in front of the line of beach chairs, microshorts and megabriefs and...other things...flapping in the breeze. He did walking handstands and kicked around a tennis ball and chatted up the girls in the water and generally drew as much attention to himself as he could, while Cassie and I studiously kept our eyes on our Kindles and shot each other "are you seeing this?" side-eyes. Back on the ship, we attended a Towel Folding Workshop, where we learned how to make animals out of bath towels because that is awesome.
• Day 8 - Woke up in St. Maarten. Gym, lunch, beach. Ohhhhhhh, the beach. This. THIS was what we had been waiting for. Warm, turquoise blue water. Powdery white sand. No interruptions, no wind, no rain; just pure bliss. Le sigh.
• Day 9 - Woke up in San Juan. We debarked, sat at the airport for 7 hours, flew to Chicago, ate at Giordano's and spent a short night at a hotel.
• Day 10 - Woke up in Chicago (at 3am). Flew to Phoenix. Cassie drove back up the mountain, and we both went to work.

Conclusion: I had a fabulous time, mostly due to the relaxation and the company (and the 24-hour self-serve ice cream machine). Would I do it again? Probably not. Cruises (this particular cruise, anyway) are kind of like Las Vegas on the ocean; it seemed like the majority of the entertainment revolved around drinking and partying and gambling, which isn't really my scene. Plus there was the guilt of rolling up to these impoverished islands in this big-ass ship all "We're here! Entertain us and let us swarm your shops and beaches! 'Merica!" I dunno. I'd rather pick an island (St. Maarten!) and pick a beach (Dawn Beach!) and just stay there for a week and relax and explore the local culture. But still, it really was a fun trip. Hooray for amazing traveling companions.

Bonus: For funsies during our week of being away from phone/internet connections, Cassie and I kept track of all the things we wondered, but were not able to Google. Here is that list:

• Where am I? (on a map)
• How much should I tip?
• What is Mofongo? What is the difference between Alcofongo and Mofongo?
• What time does the sun rise?
• What is langoustine?
• How would we send for help if we were stranded at one of the ports?
• What constitutes a chutney?
• What is basa?
• When did the Titanic sink?
• What is espresso con panna?
• What beach do we go to in Barbados (or any of the islands, really)?
• How do you say "I don't understand." in German?
• How many kids does Matt Damon have?
• Is Margaret Thatcher dead?
• Do dudes (other than Clinton) wear underwear under their swimsuits?
• Are cruise desserts notoriously bad?
• What is the difference between a hurricane and a typhoon?
• Is there a nationality where most names start with a solitary I?