US Post Office? More like the US LOST Office.

What are they, Irish?*

So I applied for a passport renewal a few weeks ago. They emailed me with this update this evening:

We have finished processing your passport, and it has been mailed to you.**

You paid for overnight delivery. This means you should receive your passport on or about 08/29/2009.

Now correct me if I'm wrong, dear readers, but today is August 26th, yes? If they mailed my passport using the overnight delivery that I requested (and paid for), shouldn't that mean it would get here... oh, I don't know... overnight? Delivery on the 27th? Or, let's say they are actually putting it in the mail tomorrow. That would make the expected delivery date... the 28th. I fail to see how 2-3 day delivery equals overnight.

There's 12 bucks I'll never see again.

*I am not a xenophobe. This is a Friends quote. (2 points to htd, Bea, and Jo for knowing that already. An additional 2 points if you caught the other one.) Yay Irish people!

**How do, you, like that superfluous, comma? Way to go, government. Good job with the commas, government. You (and most of my readership) know your stuff.

Reasons I Love My Friend Heath

(there are many)

But I'm just going to give you this one for now. In the 10 years we have known each other, we've established a tradition of sending each other intentionally crappy cards. Whatever the occasion, be it Valentine's Day or Octember Thrifteenth, the unfortunate rejects of the greeting card aisle make their way across the country to grace each others mailboxes with laughter and mirth.

This year for my birthday I received a kitten-themed gem of a card involving profanity and references to cat bodily fluids. In addition to the usual hilarious snarkitude penned inside, Heath bid me farewell thusly:

Indeed, this profanity-laced little number is from Hallmark, right between the perennially popular "hot guys" cards and the "lady with big jugs" cards. What an industry! I got one for you AND my two-year-old nephew. :)

May all your birthdays be excellent and all your cats be spayed or neutered. It is Bob Barker's greatest dream.

Love,
Heath

Pie Chart

Mmmmm. Pie.


see more Funny Graphs

Happiness Is...

Running 12 miles. Through the mountains. In the rain.

Seriously.

Softly falling rain, low-hanging clouds, desert landscape. It was lovely.















And thanks to an awesome birthday gift from my cousin, I know that my average heart rate for the run was 164 bpm. And my sitting on the couch heart rate is 57 bpm.

God Is Sending Me Mail

that has to be it.

As I'm sure you all know, my lovely htd moved away a few weeks ago. While this is sad for many reasons--not the least of which is my current propensity to read something funny, turn to the adjacent couch to tell her about it, and realize all over again that she's not there [sad trumpet sound]--it has also thrown a wrench into my gym-going activities.

You see, ever since she started working at the local university a couple years ago, we've had very cheap memberships to the Student Recreation Center (I don't know why they can't just call it a gym...). Her membership was a perk of being an employee. My membership was by association - since I lived with said employee, I got the discounted rate. Well, now that she's gone [sad trumpet], I can no longer use the university gym. Htd was my in. All this to say - I've been looking for a new gym. And by "looking," I mean "totally stressing out about finding."

You see, I am a very non-confrontational person. I don't do the debate thing. I don't like arguing my side. I hate haggling. I want simple and fair. End of story. I'm not proud of this - I wish I were better at the whole "my way or the highway" type of conversation. But I'm not. My philosophy is more along the lines of "if you're going to get all pissy about it, I'll just take the back roads, thanks." That's why buying a car was so horrible. And joining a gym is just like buying a car. They quote you a ridiculously high price PLUS initiation fees and you have to talk them down. Ohhhh I hate it. I HATE it.

I have a To Do list about a mile long and this one item (#24: Find a gym.) has been mocking me for weeks. I found a place close to my house with all the amenities I was looking for. Several of my friends are members of this chain and so kindly shared with me their negotiating horror stories. And, based on my research, I knew the salesmen were going to quote me a rate that was at least $15 more than I was willing to pay per month and tack on a ridiculous initiation fee. So I've been putting it off. Letting the dread simmer and expand. Until finally, I reached the tipping point.

Tonight, I went into the gym, turned on the charm, and got the rate I wanted.

Which is to say, I held up the flyer that miraculously showed up in my mailbox yesterday offering memberships for the exact monthly rate I was looking for and said "I want this, please."

Before you think I'm a total wuss, I did talk them into expanding my membership to all of their facilities in the state for no extra cost. Aaaaaaaand I'm spent.

Wikipedia

a cornucopia of (possibly incorrect) information.

Observe:

-27 (twenty-seven) is the natural number following 26 and preceding 28.
-Twenty-seven is the smallest positive integer requiring four syllables to name in English
-The atomic number of cobalt.
-The planet Uranus has 27 moons.
-There are a total of 27 books in the New Testament.
-Many talented and famous rock/blues musicians died at age 27. These include Robert Johnson, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Brian Jones, Jim Morrison, Ron "Pigpen" McKernan, Pete Ham, Richey Edwards, and Kurt Cobain.
-The code for international direct-dial phone calls to South Africa
-The number of species Captain Jean-Luc Picard has made contact with in the series Star Trek: The Next Generation
-[I don't know how or why this was decided, but...] Identified as the ideal number of participants for an orgy.

From Wikipedia

All this to say, my birthday was last Saturday. I ran 12 miles that morning, which went just fine, and that night I went out with friends. We had such a great time! We saw The Hangover (Oh. Em. Gee.) and went out for some awesome karaoke hijinks at a fun little dive bar. There was a group of about 11 of us and, for better or worse, we dominated the karaoke lineup that night.


I hope the day is an indication of the year to come - good health and good times with friends.

Cardio Flow Yoga (For Jesus)

or what I like to call holYoga.

My friend invited me to go to a yoga class with her last night. It turned out the class was at a large church nearby and "facilitates physical worship of our Lord through prayer, meditation on scripture, breath work, and yoga poses." Ok, cool, I'm down with that. I can try something new.

It would have been kind of cool if it hadn't been so funny. The instructor had a sort of high-pitched, LOUD, sing-songy voice. I want you to imagine you are in a dim, candle-lit room with nice worship music playing, all contorted into some sort of pretzel-y position and you hear, "NOW FEEEEEEEEEL THE LIIIIIGHT OF CHRIIIIIST FILL YOUR BOOOODY AS YOU REEEEEEACH FOR YOUR TOOOOOES..." Hee.

My favorite was at the end. We were all enjoying savasana when the instructor began to bring the lights back up and intoned "NOW I WANT YOU TO BEGIN TO SLOOOOWLY WIIIIIGGLE YOUR FINGERS AND TOOOOES AND FEEL JESUS SMIIIIILING DOWN ON YOU." Definitely ended the class with a smile.

A kick-ass workout AND some entertainment - I'm SO going back next week. :)