PotatOH! or PotatOH-NO?

Let's find out.


So I was at Wal-mart on Sunday afternoon doing a little grocery shopping for the week. Near the end of my food-finding foray, I ran across a peculiar and intriguing sight: Individually packaged, microwave-ready, shrink-wrapped potatoes. A potato that requires no scrubbing or stabbing with forks before it can be zapped in the microwave? My curiosity was piqued. Was the potato somehow genetically engineered to cook to perfection? Was the trademarked SavorSeal wrap as revolutionary as they claimed? Most importantly, was this really a potato, or just some manufactured potato-like substance formed into the uncanny likeness of a true potato? I had to know. For $.50 apiece, two of these starchy enigmas were mine.

For dinner tonight I made Italian baked chicken and garlic mashed potatoes. As the chicken baked away in the oven, I began making my mashed potatoes using - you guessed it - one of my questionable PotatOH!s. Things with exclamation points in the name kind of weird me out to begin with. Anyway. The directions for preparing my PotatOH! read as follows:

- DO NOT poke holes in wrap!
- Microwave in wrap for 6-7 minutes on HIGH.
- PotatOH! may whistle in microwave. [WTF???]
- Carefully remove from the microwave.
- Locate "PULL TO OPEN" strip and pull in direction of arrows to remove wrap.

Whistling aside, I figured I'd give it a shot. So I put my PotatOH! in the microwave, set it to 7 minutes and stood back to watch.

Minute 1: Uneventful.
Minute 2: PotatOH! begins to rock violently back and forth. [?]
Minute 3: PotatOH! begins bouncing, catching air of half an inch to an inch.
Minute 4: Bouncing settles down into a vigorous vibration.
Minute 5: Vibration becomes increasingly frantic.
Minute 5:30: Whistling begins. Sounds eerily similar to the shrieks of a tortured woman. There were even brief pauses where the tortured woman in my PotatOH! would catch a gasping breath and then begin screaming again even louder.
Minute 6: Things get quiet. Too quiet.
Minute 7: Microwaving complete.

When the beep signaled the end of the "baking" process, I uncurled myself from the fetal position, put away my helmet, and removed this no-longer-shrieking beast from the microwave. Other than being hot and very, very soft, it seemed innocuous enough.

As per the instructions, I located the "PULL TO OPEN" strip and released this alleged potato from it's transparent cocoon. I transferred the PotatOH! to the cutting board and made a mid-sagittal incision. It looked like a potato.

I added the proper accoutrements to make garlic mashed potatoes: milk, sour cream, and minced garlic. It mashed like a potato.

I placed the mashed conglomeration on a plate with my Italian baked chicken and a leafy green salad. It sat next to my chicken like a proper mashed potato should.

The moment of truth had come. Using a regulation dinner fork, I introduced the garlic mashed PotatOH! to my taste buds...

Well WHADDAYAKNOW - it TASTES like a potato! Contrary to what its microwave antics would lead one to believe, the PotatOH! is neither demon-possessed nor the trapped soul of a woman forced to spend eternity in perpetual torment.

I recommend the PotatOH! to anyone looking for a fast and easy addition to their dinner lineup. For a mere $.50, you get a tasty potato and, let's face it, a damn good show.

(...I think, I think, I may have too much time on my hands. Please, someone, come visit and save me from myself. I love you guys. And PotatOH!s.)