Because it's fun to be annoyed by things, I am starting a series about things that annoy me. I'm splitting them up into different editions because I don't want to seem like a great big complainer, even if that does, in fact, turn out to be what I am. This is not an exhaustive list (though some of you might find it to be an exhausTING list). Here we go!
Cell phone addicts
Look, I have a smartphone. I know they're wondrous and
amazing. But come on - how about a little bit of respect for actual
human interaction? The following scenarios drive me bonkers:"Hello, Friend I Haven't Seen In Awhile! I'm so glad we could meet up for this [coffee/dinner/rap battle]. I see you have placed your cellphone on the table in front of you. I can see how that would be convenient, you know, just in case someone more important than me texts you with an irresistible "what's up." I'll just be sitting here until you have a minute or two to spare between "liking" things on Facebook and reading that thing Ke$ha just tweeted."
Also, people who stay on their phone when placing an order, checking out, or anything else that involves face-to-face interaction with another person. Hang. Up. Your. Phone.
People who stand right next to the luggage carousel
Hey. How about let's all take one giant step backwards? Then, when you see your bag make an appearance, there will be room for you to step forward, grab your stuff, and make an exit. And more importantly, there will be room for ME to grab my stuff and make an exit without having to wedge myself awkwardly between you and your fellow carousel-huddlers. This wisdom can be applied to any situation where several people are waiting to pick up an item from a single location. I'm looking at you, Stands Right In Front Of The Drink Pickup Counter At Starbucks Lady.
Slow walkers
Sigh. I'm well aware that people have different reasons for walking (ambling... shuffling...) the speed they do. But is it too much to ask that you make some room for those of us who naturally move along at a rapid pace? Especially you people perambulating in giant, slow-moving packs that, like gas molecules, spontaneously expand to fill any available space. The aforementioned phenomenon is one of the reasons I hate the mall.
Able-bodied people who take the elevator one floor
Up or down - doesn't matter. The stairs are right there and the people going 8 floors up hate you a little bit.
People who comment on other people's food choices
"Is that all you're eating?" "Oh, I could never eat that." "That looks weird." "Why aren't you having any of this thing that I made/brought in/purchased? (the implication being "why do you hate me/think you're better than the rest of us?")" Stop it. Just stop. [related: people who make a big deal about their own food choices]
Know-it-all story toppers
This person makes my brain want to explode (and I know I'm not alone here; others have explored this particular brand of evil). The accomplished KIAST has something to say about EVERYTHING. It doesn't matter what the subject matter is, they "know" (or will make up on the spot) something about it, and every story you tell reminds them of something bigger and better that happened to them. If you have an antique Christmas tree topper that has been in your
family for years, they have two that were obtained on a spirit quest in
South America. If you just invested in a circular saw for some home
improvements, they have a table saw they use to build bespoke gardening
sheds for Romanian orphans. If you comment on how your allergies are really acting up this year, they will tell you their own theories (usually including some dubious meteorological "facts" they picked up in a radio broadcast they half-listened to back in 1998) about why the pollen count is so high this year, but how this is NOTHING compared to what they endured as a young child growing up in a state where they literally shoveled three-foot drifts of pollen off the sidewalks in the neighborhood they were instrumental in gentrifying.Can I get an amen?
Look for the next post in the series - Pet Peeves: Internet Edition
2 comments:
AMEN.
And may I say, your vocabulary in this post was absolutely resplendent.
Amen (and picture hand waving here too) - to so many of those! Particularly the food one, slow walkers, story toppers, and the people who spoon with the luggage carousel. I also agree to the phone one (although I think I may be guilty of that occasionally); I think you will find your strongest supporter for that one in Steve Obert. Have you heard his diatribe on that? :-) It is awesome. Happy Heat-days in Phoenix!
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